Chapter 18
The sky looked closer to the ground. A white haze that hovered and hid the tops of the barren oak trees. The ivory grey stones stacked up looking medieval as they blended with the fog. The heated brick paths gave off steam as the rain evaporated on impact. Muddy footprints wandered between buildings. It was too cold to feel like a spring day in April, but the air had that smell right after it rained.
Drops splattered against June's raincoat. She could hear them even with her headphones on. She held her phone close to her chest, under her head to prevent it from getting soaked. Caroline's familiar face filled her heart with warm comfort.
"Caroline, I hate it here," June said over FaceTime. "I thought joining a sorority might make it better. But the semesters almost over, and the whole thing is exhausting. Everyone's nice, but it doesn't feel real."
She swallowed the knot forming in her throat. June, for the first time, wished to be back home. Caroline would walk through her door in her crocs and sweatpants. They would just snuggle and talk about the stuff haunting their heads.
June kept her head low as she walked along the cobblestone pathway to the library. Past figures who preoccupied themselves with their list of worries. June hoped nobody was listening.
"Your posts on Instagram and Snapchat always look like you're having so much fun! Study groups and lunches. You're doing something every night. I was talking to Kyle from high school. He even said that he noticed you lost weight. Your last picture looked so good!" Caroline replied.
"We have to dress a certain way for date functions. They are also teaching me how to use makeup. Someone else let me borrow her contacts for it. I should try and get contacts when I go home. People say I have grandma glasses." June said.
"You need to. It's like you had a total transformation. June, you look hot now! No offense." Caroline gave her an "I'm just being honest" look.
"We have to post things with our sisters. Otherwise, we get penalized for not being sisterly. It's for marketing to look like we are a close group. Being pretty does help. It feels different. It was the first time I had guys coming up to talk to me instead of some friend I'm with. Guys were getting drinks for me." June admitted.
"Isn't it amazing? I love how it makes me feel walking into a room knowing people are looking at me. But June, I know that I rely on people giving me attention because I'm pretty. There's something different about how it feels..." Caroline paused, frowning. "But now I'm dependent on that feedback. Sometimes I get so fucking depressed when I see these other girls on Instagram. I'm always asking Colin what he thinks of them. If I'm as pretty as them. He hates it."
"Caroline, you have so much more to offer than that. You're brilliant. Loyal. You have so much love to give someone." June said.
"Yeah, sure. Sometimes I don't believe it myself. It's my anxiety. I need him to tell me I'm prettier than them. I feel powerful when someone tells me I'm gorgeous. That's the problem with social media; it teaches us that it's the easiest way to get what we want." Caroline confessed.
"Have you ever tried to detox from it? Just delete all your accounts? Most of the time, people don't care what we're up to. But we feel like they do if they like our post or see our story. I know whenever I post something, I'm looking to see if Nick watched it. I'm looking for specific names of people to come up to see if they see what I'm up to." June asked.
"I'm always looking to see if my ex sees my stuff. I want him to think about me and see that I'm doing so much better now. When he texts me to see how I'm doing, that's how I know I'm winning. I don't even use social media that much. Maybe it's the way we were raised. Always complimented, told that we could do anything. But it doesn't help now when I feel crazy, and I don't know what to do." Caroline thought out loud.
"Just try not to act upon every emotion. Let it wash over you. Then think about why you're feeling that way. You need to be your own rock, Caroline. Stop looking for outside validation. I feel like it's the reverse. My parents never said I love you, or I'm proud of you. Like I was never enough. But I started reading some Buddhism, and it talks a lot about self-compassion can end our own suffering." June said.
"You always make me feel better, June. Send me the name of that book you're reading. I don't know how you always find time to read." Caroline said.
"Sometimes, books put to words how I'm feeling better than I can," June said. "See, I miss this. Here I can never talk about how I feel or things that are real. The conversations are all surface-level stuff. I try to bring up stuff that's personal or dark humor jokes, and immediately I get shut down. I can't be myself." June said.
"Why don't you drop out then and re-rush?" Caroline asked.
"I don't think it would be different in another sorority. With groups this big, it's more for social status. Nobody has your back. You pay to be part of it after you get in. So all the relationships are transactional. Now, I'm paying to feel insecure about how others feel about me."
"It's the same here. Maybe it's an East Coast thing. I feel like people look at you like, "What can you do for me?" Are they all like that? What about the one you thought you were going to get into?" Caroline asked.
"Michaela told me that Kate confessed to her. The sorority liked me. But Kate told her cousin she didn't want to be in the same sorority as her roommate and had me negged." June said.
"But Kate peed in your bed, stole your clothes, sexiled you before exams. She threw up all over your desk and didn't pick it up. Why are you the one that doesn't get in?"
"It doesn't matter. Kate's cousin can vouch for her. I'm nobody to them. Just another girl to vote yes or no on." June explained.
"So much for sisterhood," Caroline said.
"Tell me about it. Out of the 100 girls in the sorority, how many will I stay in contact with after college? There are 30 girls in my pledge class. I have a handful of girls that I like. But should I stay in it just for them? Wouldn't they understand? Still, be open to our relationship if I didn't want to wear these fucking letters?" June said.
"I would hope so. My sister is in a sorority. She said she's close with her big? Or what if you wait until you get a little?" Caroline asked.
"I like my big. Usually, she's busy. It's the process that's gross. It's the worst part of the female stuff: manipulation and gossip. After I got in, I get to see the other side. Sorority girl politics, it's horrible."
"We did our spring recruitment. We had to scout out girls who will rush in the spring. During recruitment, the girls aren't allowed to mentions the 3 B's. Boys, booze, or brands. Which I had no idea when I rushed. I'm sure I said it. But if the girl mentions any of them, we have to drop her. Afterward, we grade the prospects with her photo on the screen in front of the whole room. The girls who talked to them during the recruitment report first. They give their analysis on why or why not the girls a good fit.
If you talked to her, you're supposed to make a judgment if we think a girl has the right vibe or not. But it's a 10-minute conversation. The same basic pleasantry conversation over and over.
Then anyone else who knows them talks. But it's all based on opinion. Girls who knew the girl and had a grudge would stand up and say no. Explain some petty crime the women had commit against them in a past semester or a fleeting moment at a party. If we drop her and she wanted to get in, we don't ever give them an explanation. Most of the time, girls think they did something wrong or weren't good enough. It's cruel."
"June, that's not fair. Some girls aren't a good fit for the group. They can't accept everyone."
"I kid you not. This one girl's photo came up, and someone who knew her said, "I heard she wants KD over us, so we should neg her. She doesn't even want to be here." We aren't even a top sorority, and I see these girls in my sorority knocking down girls for petty things. We don't even have the status to be picky like that, but these girls were ruthless. Way too emotionally involved."
"Doesn't that defeat the purpose then? Isn't that the opposite of women supporting women?" Caroline looked disgusted.
"Total contradiction. It makes other women the enemy or competition. It's about who can stroke your ego or make the sorority look good. I don't know if I'd want to recruit someone because they're good at talking. We vote based on face values. But get credit for recruiting the best looking pledge class."
"Did you ever talk to someone that you did like that wanted to get in?"
"Most of the conversations are basic. One girl asked me, "How can you be greek and a feminist?" I couldn't answer. Stumped. I couldn't tell the girl that the sorority empowered me. That I felt supportive or inspired to be a successful woman. I felt judged and lonely. If I dared to tell another sister, I was unhappy there. They would take it as an insult to them. When we're all together, I can't say things freely without worrying there's someone I'm automatically offending. We're told to focus on our passions in and outside the classroom. But nobody talks about how our sisters are judging us by how accomplished we were in direct relation to them."
"Yikes. I'm glad I'm not in one. In my nursing classes, the girls tear down the other sororities. I think it's just herd mentality. Most of us don't know who we are. Not really. So it's easier to give yourself an identity by aligning it with others. I'd be lost without my soccer girls."
"I should transfer to someplace without greek life. There's a particular type of person fraternity and sorority system draw in. They are using the allure of exclusivity. Nobody on the outside gives a shit about greek life. It's an insular community. But everyone in it is has a false sense of reality.
"What about the parties and the guys?"
"Most of the guys are spreadsheet jockeys. Who's dream is to work at some bank in New York City. The guys who are the president or pledge master of the fraternity hope that their next ladder to climb will be in politics."
"The Chads and Brads of the world." Caroline laughed.
"The finest of New England's upper-middle class. At parties, guys ask you, "What house are you in?" Before he decided if it's worth continuing the conversation."
"Guys are on some power trip, thinking they are chosen ones." Caroline agreed.
"The themes themselves are demeaning. CEOs and Office Hos, Golf Pros and Tennis Hos, GI Joes, and Army Hos. Housewives and Hired Help. Millionaires and Trophy Wives, Secs and Execs. The thing is, we hear it, and we still go and dress up for it. I see girls pining for weeks about wanting to get asked to go to a date function but then ditching their date when they are there.
The worst part is we get fined if we don't do the theme. We have to pay $25 for each fraternity party we miss because our chapter needs to meet a quota of sisters to attend. " June said.
"What if you drop out?" Caroline said.
"Nobody drops out. If I do, I'm saying, "I'm too good for you." And I'll have 200 girls that walk around giving me death glares." June picked at the scab on her neck where she burned herself with a curling iron.
"Maybe you should wait it out. So that way, you don't cause waves. My sister says that most girls don't hang out with their sorority when they get older. They still pay the dues to go to the date functions."
"It's expensive! I have to pay for my summer classes with the money I earn from the lab. I was going to use it to pay for dues. They don't have options for low-income members.
"I don't know what you want me to tell you then, June. You're trying too hard to please everyone." Caroline said. "Look, I have to go soon. I have class in 5 minutes.
"I know I'm just ranting. I have three weeks till finals, and then I'm out of here."
"Good luck, chicka, stay safe and sane. I'll see you soon!"
Caroline’s face disappeared from June’s screen. She felt a bit of relief, getting to finally say out loud what she was thinking. June moved out from under the bridge and entered the library.