Chapter 22
The waiter came by and placed their food down. "For our third course, the misses a caramelized halibut, flown in from Alaska this morning. Placed on a bed of fresh greens with delicate hibiscus flowers. The bright purple is an eggplant pure." June nodded and smiled meekly. Ignoring the waiter's look as she picked up her $45 a glass Cabernet wine.
"For the gentleman, steak tartar. With a confit egg yolk and a gherkin gel. Topped off with fennel and nasturtium leaves. Enjoy."
Across from June was her date. She had almost forgotten his name. He was the second one this week. Her eight this month.
She made sure not to say his name. She wasn't sure if it was John or Jack. It was too far into the date for her to ask. He was dark-haired, bearded to hide the shape of his face. He was wearing a grey suit that didn't hide his pit stains. He was probably 20 pounds heavier than the pictures on his profile. His bit of belly was about to touch the table. June could see the discoloration of his skull from an obvious dye job to hide his grey hair.
"Well, Ashley, I'm glad you could finally make time to come out with me tonight." He picked up a piece of bread and used it as a spoon for his tar tar. A small dribble of olive oil leaked out and fell on his shirt unnoticed.
"Happy to. How was your trip to New York?" June forced herself to make eye contact while she smiled. She pulled her curled hair back. She was exposing her collar bones and her strapless black dress. When she had done her makeup in her car, she made sure to add extra contour and highlighter to make them pop. In their messages, he had once commented that she had an elegant neck.
"Just looking at properties. The Chinese are buying all the good stuff. But there's some up and coming properties my company is looking to invest in down in Manhattan. You should come with me sometime. I'd love to take you to see Hamilton."
Not a chance. June thought to herself. From her experience, real estate guys were flakes. But since most of her dating pool were scum bags of the D.C area, she didn't have high hopes of dating someone who could be trusted. She used dating sites and fake names to get access to free meals. The older they were, they let her pick the restaurant, and she picked ones with Michelin stars. Tonight they ate at Restaurant Jardin, which had just been awarded a new Michelin star.
June didn't say anything. She just nodded and ate her food. Best to not say anything when she disagreed. She was letting the $50 fish melt in her mouth like butter. She hadn't eaten all day, and listening to his blabbering was an equal trade-off in her mind. She let him continue. Adding in a comment or question here and there.
It was weird, but all the dates were the same. Too easy once they had a few drinks, and she found the right topic. June could have them talking about anything. It was easy to get people to talk about themselves. It also meant she didn't have to.
Some men bragged about the other women they dated. Others talked about their cheating ex-wife. Some name-dropped who they worked with for or the fantastic cities and countries they got to go on work trips too—expecting June to respond like a dog and drooling and eager.
"Ashley, you're at Johns Hopkins? What a great school. I used to play lacrosse there before they kicked me out. Remind me again, what do you study in graduate school?"
"Alzheimer's with stem cells," June replied. She had picked her lab because her Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimer's after she graduated from Georgetown. June had graduated a whole year early to help save money after he lost his job. She used her gap year to take care of him, work, and apply to schools. She found it hard to find a job even with her credentials. Most students don't realize that graduating with a biology degree is pretty much useless unless you plan to keep going to school.
"Tough. It would be best if you dropped out. Jobs in health care and research don't make money. You should go into marketing or become a pharmaceutical rep."
"I'm not doing it for money," June replied stubbornly.
"Well, then you would have more time to hang out with me."
Conversations like this and what happened with Advik this week hardened June. June felt no sympathy for the pathetic waste sitting across from her. He had arrogant righteousness about him. Demanding unearned respect. Men like this were trash, selfish, and for the most part, unremarkable. June felt power turning guys down at bars and on dates. Using them the way they used so many women before her.
After her assault in college, June broke up with Nick. 6 years together, and she couldn't look at his sweet face and explain the dark things she was thinking or feeling. She dropped out of the sorority ignoring the nasty rumors they spread about her. June cut the middle man. She made friends with the frat guys by designing their murals in exchange for invites to parties. The more June focused on doing her own thing and not caring what others thought. The more people liked her. Freshmen at parties would ask her what sorority she was in, and she said none with pride. June knew she didn't need anyone. She finished college in three years, ready to get away from that toxic reality.
In their basements, she would hear how her guy friends talked about women. Some of the guys thought women were fools and easy. After college, June found it wasn't just frat guys that felt this way. So June liked to play the game and show them. She was targeting any narcissistic pretty boy. To make them want her and find a way to take them down a notch.
Some slime bag older men looked at June, their thoughts written on their faces. Some wondered if this oriental could give him a "happy ending." Instead, she hid the urge to destroy them.
June made sure not to drink too much on these dates. She was worried about losing control. They ordered dessert, a beautiful tiramisu, and changed topics. June kept things positive even though underneath she was disgusted. Knowing if she kept him hopeful, she might be able to use him for a second date. Never a third.
"Ashley, would you like to come back to my apartment for a nightcap? I have a nice bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue label I've been waiting to open. I will say I'm having more fun than I expected."
"Oh, I wish I could. I have to teach a biology class at 8 am, and I'm behind on grading the projects. So, I'm sorry, I really shouldn't. But maybe tomorrow night or next week if you don't already have plans?" June placed her hand on his chest. Mostly to give herself leverage to push him away if he made a move.
"So dedicated, next time I won't take no for an answer." He winked, and June barfed in her mouth a little bit.
June watched as he stumbled into his uber, and black Sudan departed. Down the street, taking him back into the center of DC. She wrapped her coat tightly over her dress and walked to the parking garage across the street.
June held her keys in between her fingers, tucked in her pocket, walking with her head low. Her senses focused on picking up noises or other footsteps in case someone had followed her. Once she was in the safety of her dark chevy malibu, she locked the doors once she was seated in the driver's seat.
June relaxed a bit. Her head was a little fuzzy from the wine. In the rearview mirror, she saw she had a slight Asian glow. She pulled out her phone and found the man's dating profile, and blocked him. She found the google voice conversation they had with her fake number and blocked it as well. June went to her apple messages and texted Caroline.
"Okay, I'm safe. Dates over." June watched the blue message send. Instantly as if waiting for her to text, Caroline responded.
"Thank god. How was it? Don't you get nervous on those dates?"Caroline asked.
"He's not my soul mate, but the food was divine. I’m not as nervous anymore. I'm used to it by now. We're in a public place. But that's why I shared my location with you and told you if I don't respond by midnight, then something happened."
"How many have you been on in the last year? Isn't this like the 18th one?"
"I think above 30 now. Honestly, not at all. I pick the terms and who I respond to. They don't know anything about me. You don't have to sleep with anyone. Some want to date. Look, I make no money in graduate school. You know I've been sleeping in my car to save money on rent, which is my choice. But sometimes all I want is real food that isn't protein shakes, nuts, or protein bars." June said.
"I know, I know. Look, it makes sense, but I don't know if I could do it. Go on dates with guys knowing that I don't have feelings for them. But June you don't have to use them. These guys are humans."
"Caroline, most of these guys are seeing multiple girls. They don't lose sleep when they never talk to a girl ever again. In college, we slept with guys for less. No nice meals, no gifts, not even a ‘hey, how are you?’ text the next day. We sleep with them and then feel gross next week." June reached into her backseat and took out makeup wipes to remove the makeup she put on for the date. She took out her hoop earrings and put them in the cup tray.
"Uh, it's such a double standard. So many times have I wanted to tell a guy off. I remember going to parties and worrying that some guy I'm hooking up with will reject me. Like if I don't give them what they want, they'll stop trying. Why don't you try normal dating?" Caroline asked.
"Right now, I don't think I'm ready to date again. Not seriously. Relationships are a huge time commitment. I've got enough going on. I need to work on myself, so I can be ready for someone that I actually would want to be with." June pulled out her gym shorts and an oversized Georgetown tee-shirt that she slept in. She made sure nobody else was looking in the empty parking lot before changing in the passenger seat.
"We complain about guys not changing, but we can't let the crappy guys go. Remember that one asshole I hooked up with and then kept on answering him even though I thought he was a player. Why do we do that? " Caroline said.
June shook her head, thinking of the times she lowered her worth to get someone to come over. A perk of living in her car was she didn't dare invite anybody over. June pulled the front seat up. She reached behind the seat to pull out the blackout cardboard boxes she had made. She started to tape them against the four windows taped on the inside.
"Don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. I don't know why we demean ourselves. I still do it. When I hear these guys’ history, it makes me cynical. Maybe people aren’t supposed to be together forever. Most of these guys are lonely. Divorced and wants someone to talk to them like they are normal. Not someone who's nagging them or trying to tell them what to do. When I hear stories about these guys' ex-wives or ex-girlfriends, it's like it all goes downhill. I feel bad. It's not all men are shit. Some women are way more emotionally abusive… We say we want better men, but sometimes we don't act like it." June thought about the different people she had met through this. Most of them made her sad. They were people just trying to get by.
"I’m not sure about that one either. I mean, look at our parents. Mines divorced, and your parents hate each other. Do you think I should try it?" Caroline asked.
"Yea, I mean, it couldn't hurt. Look, I know that I don't need a guy. You don’t either. I'm focused on school and work. I'm not going to put a guy before my career. So think of it as networking. The other part shows you what characteristics you do and don't like. I'm glad I didn't stay with Nick. He was my first love and a great guy, but we want completely different things from our lives. There were subtle things that I knew would be big problems. Plus, most guys our age, I have to tell them what to do. I don’t want to be bossy with my boyfriend." June said.
"Yea, I'm focused on building my life. There are so many things I still want to do before settling down. I want to go back to school, maybe start my own business. Have my own money. I don't want to end up like our moms, bitter and wishing they had done their own thing." Caroline said.
"So this works with your schedule. It's what you want to make of it. Sometimes they take you on fun trips, my one friend that did it went to Tulum in Mexico. Another backstage to concerts. It's a better way of using your time than "NetFlix and chill" or going to a bar to get hit on by randoms." June finished moving her things around so she could pull back a seat to expose her trunk. Her back arched against the ceiling of the car. She pulled out her sleeping pad and sleeping bag and laid them out flat. She put her gym bag and bag of clothes on the bottom where the feet go behind the driver’s seat. And placed her pillow on top. After finishing her setup, she hopped into the driver’s seat.
"I'll make a profile tonight. Can you send me screenshots of "Ashley's" profile?" Caroline asked.
"Yea, I'll send it over now. But one last thing. You're not already on the pill. It would be best if you considered going on it or have plan B as a backup. It's super easy to get. You walk up and ask." June started her car and pulled out of the parking lot. She would drive around neighborhoods in the suburb to find a dark place to park and sleep.
"Jesus, is it necessary?" Caroline asked.
"It's better than having a coat hanger abortion," June said.